Archive for the ‘drowning in faith’ Category

page 1

Thursday, September 25th, 2008

I’ve come to realize that doctors are not trained to give hope.  They are not trained to give parents pep talks about not giving up.  It’s “the facts and only the facts,” they like to give.  These facts are based on their years of education and what the medical journals tell them about statistics regarding a illness or injury.  I understand that.  Now.  The day that the middle eastern doctor laid the facts at my feet I did not understand.  I understood the words, just not how this could be my life.  I tried to mentally click my heels repeating “there’s no place like home.”  It didn’t work.  I stood in the sterile private room with Matt and listened with tears welling in my eyes faster than I had the ability to blink them away.  I felt as if I had been riding the tornado ride at the fair for the past few days and finally the bottom had dropped out. But instead of sticking to that wall I fell.  I fell hard.  The comforting crowd of friends and family became too much to face.  I found myself sitting in the hospital chapel, looking for a sign.  Praying for an answer.  The bible on the pew has marked pages so I follow the markings and read in John 14. “If you ask anything in my name you will receive.”  It clicked in my mind and in my heart.  If I believe I will receive.  It seemed so easy.  The God I knew for my entire life was a God that lived in a pretty little box, tied with a beautiful bow.  He was put in a drawer during the week, pulled out for a plea… pulled out on Sundays and most Wednesdays.  My God was not a God that I knew personally and certainly not a God who moved in the current ages.  I learned from an early age that God stopped interacting with humans when the Apostles died.  He sits on His throne in Heaven and looks down watching but not acting.  Letting life take it’s course.  Reading this verse for the first time with my heart I knew that my God was much bigger than the God I had known and I knew that I needed to know Him and believe.As those words grew in my heart the enemy quickly arrived to dispel any hope.  The enemy is a crafty creature who will use the people you trust more than anyone else to discourage you.  This was true in my situation.  I spoke those words aloud to a spiritual mentor. Boldly.  This person quickly explained away why this wasn’t true.  He reminded me why I had never believed this way.  My spirit fell.  But God is faithful and sent an angel in the form of a little faith speaking catholic woman who had walked in my shoes just a year ago.  She spoke words of faith and the final evidence of God’s power was the proof.  Little Clayton came running around the corner asking for a “dr. coke.”  This little guy had been in worse shape than my baby just one short year ago.  Tubes in his crytalized lungs.  Night after night of touch and go.  His mother stood vigil beside his PICU bed for those months.  She never spoke a negative word and never believed that he would be anything less than he was now.  She stood firm in her faith.   Anytime I felt a twinge of fear or doubt I could remember seeing little Clayton, and know that it was possible.  With God.

(I have been thinking about a way to start the book I have always planned to write… what do you think?)…

(thanks for the encouraging words.  I know there are grammatical issues… I actually wrote this page in just a few minutes.  I have written several more pages and I’m excited about getting it started!)